Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
