i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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