so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
