it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize