I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
