Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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