what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
