the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
