I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Randomize
