when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
