I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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