My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
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