My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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