Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
