went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
