She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You were trust falling into bushes
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
