I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
