How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
