these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize