We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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