1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
