I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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