grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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