I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
