she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
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