dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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