Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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