I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
