Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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