Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize