I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
