how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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