I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
