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i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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