Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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