I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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