Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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