so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
