Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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