NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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