just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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