Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
