Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
