The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
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