I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
