Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
