phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
