I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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