I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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