Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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