I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Randomize
