Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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