I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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