Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
